The Exile

"Yes, she had left America, and America had forgotten her, and were she to come back to it permanently she must build herself anew into another niche....She left America with rare tears brimming in her eyes and loneliness in her heart. There was more than the physical separation this time; there was a beginning of a separation of the spirit, and she went out somehow homeless."

- The Exile, Pearl S. Buck

I just finished reading the biography of Pearl S. Buck's mother, a missionary to China. Now, I know that her going to China as a missionary during the late 1800s is very different from me moving to New Zealand, but I identified a bit with the above quote. I made the decision to move here over 3 years ago and I knew I was ready for a change. I wasn't running away from anything, not trying to reinvent myself, not sick of the political and economic climate, just ready to do something I said I always wanted to do. And now I've been here for over three years and I'm trying to decide what to do next. Do I stay in New Zealand or go back to the States and pick up (hopefully) the great job and life that I left behind? Sometimes, when I get frustrated with life here, my first thoughts are that I don't fit in here, that I belong back in America. But, when I go back to visit, I feel less and less like I fit in there. What is it that makes someone ready for change? What is it that makes people feel content in their surroundings? Maybe it's just life that, at times, makes everyone feel restless and maybe I find the obvious thing to blame it on. Or maybe living in different cultures is honestly difficult - even if its 2010 and cultures have blended and the world has gotten smaller.


Sometimes I do feel stuck between 2 worlds and both are beautiful and wonderful and it's hard to figure out where to go next - whether to stay or leave. I suppose it's a good thing to like so many places and people because that's what makes the decision making difficult. I'm not surprised by missing my family and firneds back home and the longing to just pop over to familiar places for a visit. I am surpised by the homesickness for Baltimore and familarity and wintry mixes in the winter and humidity and heat indexes in the summer.